Forwards and Sideways

I should state, in case it was not clear enough, that the last post was done by my blogging patron White Rabbit NI in an attempt to give me some class of Ghost of Christmas Future kick up the arse and get me blogging again, and for that thank you dear friend. It really did bring both a smile and a tear to my Ronan Keating after a stroke like face to see everything I want from life all laid out in a nice little obituary that if I actually did die in the morning would otherwise read 'Local Radio Guy in Asphyxiation Fuck up' , that is if I decided to take that up of course and I assume it would go wrong because I am really bad with anything practical such as fixing anything, doing anything with computers and enjoying the gentle pleasure of the 'Asphyxiwank'. However it ties very nicely into something that has been swimming around my head lately and that simply is would you rather get a sneak look into your future or into what might of been.

The reason why this has been going through my head recently is simply because of the 'still brilliant and I don't care what you think' show Lost. Where, in case you are actually trapped on an island and don't know, the viewers at home have over the seasons been given a look into the characters past, future and most recently what may have been. Now like I said recently I have been thinking about all three for different reasons. Firstly the 'Flashback' has been coming into play because of my hobby of getting really drunk and losing my phone, this has happened so many times now if it ever turned in an Olympic event I would have more gold than Simon Gruber had just before John McClaine came and blew him up in Die Hard with a Vengeance. So when this happened again a couple of weeks ago to a pretty new Samsung Tocco Lite (horrible horrible phone, almost glad it went) I had to go back to an old phone that I had lost ages ago but had managed to turn up a couple of weeks later. The plus side of this I thought was a lot of my numbers would be saved but it also gave me the odd trill of going through old text messages. Now I say old text messages, I'm not talking about the glory days of mobile phones where they came in lovely plastic covers and it was impossible to use one without hearing 'Baby Im ready to go' by republica playing, these texts went back to about a year and a half ago. However as we all know a lot can change in a month, let alone a year and a half. Now lot of them could be copied and pasted into the current inbox with them simply saying

'yeah, Whelans at 10 then'

'No, of course I didnt see Doctor Who you floppy haired twat'

and ' That back street Doctor you go to, still 45 quid?'

but apart from these there were texts from people I had forgotten about asking on dates, the reasons why the date did or didn't go ahead and texts about arguments that may have meant something at the time, now had been completely forgotten. Though among all these the ones that stuck in my head were a lot of text messages to someone that literally meant the world to me that now for numerous reasons, that apart from the odd facebook quip back and forth, a year and a half later is not really a part of my life. Now I don't mean that in a 'big lets listen to some emo and cry' but it just makes you think about whats meant to be. Which brings me (finally wooo) onto the point of this post, if given the choice about seeing the slightest glimpse of your future or what could have been, which would you choose?

At this point, lets set up some ground rules. As much as the wanna be time lord in me hates to do this, all games need rules so in this you can't change anything in the future, that is set. Imagine it being , to bring back my boy The Doctor, two buttons in front of you where after being explained the rules you choose either the big red button 'Forward' or the slightly off cream button 'Sideways' and then a dream like glimpse of your choice. So what do you pick?

When I first thought of this, it was because I thought would it not be wonderful to get a sneak peak of the future. Now I love a good spoiler of a TV show, when it gives you just enough to tease you into really wanting it, kind of like a stripper only when you get too much of a TV show MegaVideo might say 'Oi, enough of that for 70 mins' with strippers a rather large man in black comes in and gives you a damm good kicking. For example in one of my favorite episodes of lost, you see the future of the character and all round hunk Jack, in this he gets the girl he wants and is happy, also if you like look up an episode of 'Weird Science' where the main character gets a magic watch that would beep once he is around his future wife. So its this need to get the tiniest of spoilers into the future that had me sure I would hit the 'Forward' button and see do I get the comedy career, the role of being The Doctor and do I get the girl. However it of course was never going to be that easy, in both the T.V. examples the character Jack fucks up his bit of future happiness and in Weird Science the watch never worked, it just beeped at a random girl in order to give him the confidence to talk to her and also there is the huge issue of if your future was in no way what you wanted, could you live with it or just accept that something is going to push you that way.

So my hand might begin to move over the custard cream colored 'Sideways' button just for the trill of what if. Now for me (I hate always talking about myself by the way but the many pictures of me on this site should give you a clue that I get over that quickly) I have a moment in life, as I'm sure we all do, where if a 'Flash Sideways' were to happen it would be around this moment, and this moment is, the time when I didn't do transition year and went right into 5th year. Now while this might bend the rules slightly because my class were not given the option, for various school board reasons to do transition year, its the fact that I was going to 100% do that year but were not allowed which brings very much the idea of 'What if'. While its for the big creamy button to say and not me, I have an idea in my head of what the following years may have been like. I think I probably would not have gone to college, probably stayed in my home town and married a lovely, attractive but a little dull girl who just happened to come along first. Now this life may have been lovely and I probably would have a lot more money than I do now, I would of missed out on a lot of stuff, and while not every moment of it, a lot of that stuff made me happy, missed out on the people that have got me thinking like this at half two in the morning and the things that made me know what I would to do with my 5'7 self. However its this feeling of being sure what my 'sideways' would be like that would make me really want to press it. If if the future is coming and I can't change it, I might as well have a look at the alternative ending.

So while I think I would go for the Sideways, I put this question out on Facebook a couple of hours ago and the vote is right down the middle. With a very cheery bunch trying to decide which would be the least depressing, knowing what will be or knowing what could of been. So while I'm nearly sure what my flash sideways would be like, the real tease is the what if of the what if, and I like that. However imaginary buttons aside in the meantime I'm going to spend a lot of time trying to turn White Rabbits charming obituary (the one she wrote I don't mean actually hers.. obviously) into my flash forward. Though if it is my flash forward and somewhere there is these two buttons being pressed by stunning 5'9 pop princesses, there is probably a very panicked Pixie Lott thinking 'I mean does the man know there are hair loss products'. So for that Pixie, I'm sorry, for now have a lovely quote though and next time a funnier blog..

"The best thing about the future, is that it comes one day at a time" Abraham Lincoln

In Memorium

Andrew Gaffney; prominent Radio, Television & Internet celebrity, celebrated comedic national treasure and award winning scriptwriter died last night from complications of romantic heartache.

The entertainment world has been shaken to the core following the news that Gaffney passed away on the eve of his induction into the Handsome Man Hall of Fame. A grieving planet looks upon New York for a glimmer of reason, of comfort or explanation. Zooey Deschanel declined to comment this morning as she left their New York apartment building, consumed by her grief.

His friends and family are understandably devastated. Eli Mordino, Pultizer Prize winning author & founding father of the David Foster Wallace Memorial Fund for Starving Writers commented, “Things were never clear for him. His death was tragic and the world will feel his absence. There. Is that enough of a fucking quote for you? Now leave me alone with my pain”.
Fionntán Wilson; celebrated forensic scientist and musician remarked “He’s dead? He’s DEAD? Well that’s just convenient isn’t it? The bastard owes me a score”. A representative of the Christina Burke Shelter for Animals gave this statement on behalf of their President; “He was so young…so...so beautiful. Knowing that he shall never again darken the threshold of the shelter to tell jokes to the puppies leaves us sad and empty. He shall be missed”.

AN ARTISTS DEPICTION

Andrew Gaffney began his illustrious career at a humble Dublin hospital radio station where, following the critic success of his coverage of the Meteor Awards and the phenomenal popularity of cult podcast Housekeepin', he rose to great heights. Becoming a firm favourite on the comedy circuit, Gaffney was given his own TV talk show at the turn of the decade where he met his lifelong friends and mentors; Ray Winstone and David Tennant who where snapped boarding their chartered plane to New York to attend the funeral of their friend. Tennant himself made a statement saying of Gaffney 'He was my inspiration. I had him tipped to be the 12th Doctor as my personal recommendation, honestly. I guess now the world will never know true perfection in television'. Gaffney left his comedy career momentarily to turn his hand to writing. Penning several Academy Award winning films such as the cult comedies What Up! and How Much For Your Daughter?, the romantic comedy Winning Suit and the emotional semi-autobiographical Millionaire Playboy that resulted in John Cusack picking up a gong for his turn as the writer slash comedian; Gaffney soaked up his success between his New York apartment and his LA beach house.

Never shy with those of the opposite sex and a regular VIP guest at the Playboy Mansion, Gaffney sailed through life leaving a trail of broken hearts in his wake. Most notably his famed relationship with singer Pixie Lott generated the most headlines. Lott reflected on their ill fated romance citing an inability to keep up with Gaffney as the reason for their separation. “He was too much…you know…sexually. I never got over him” Lott noted “He was too much of a man for me and now…now he is too much man for the angels”. Karen Gillan was photographed making a generous donation to various charitable organizations in tribute to her ex-lover this morning. It is understood that she has been in talks to create a memorial garden and titty bar for the deceased. Their relationship was the inspiration behind Rouge, Actually starring James McAvoy which was recently voted the Best Rom Com Ever by Empire magazine.

Unbeknownst to Gaffney’s family and friends; their loved one was wrapped in a life long pursuit that culminated on the evening he met his future bride at an Oscar gala. Dazzling Miss Deschanel with his charm and wit, their romance blossomed into a love affair that would rival the greats. However, prior to meeting Zooey; friends often commented on Gaffney’s passionate and endless pursuit of what some may refer to as The One.

Throughout his lifetime, Gaffney sought that one, single, perfect person that embodied everything he ever wanted in a partner but alas, he did not find her. Gaffney began to wonder if his soul mate was merely a figment of his idealistic imagination, a trick of the mind, a lie told to small children to fool them into thinking that there is only one person put on this earth destined for us. On the evening he met Miss Deschanel, friends remarked that he simply settled believing that since she was pretty, charming and essentially couldn't keep her hands off him; she would be a satisfactory companion until the real deal appeared in his life...the real deal that never appeared.

On the evening of his death, Gaffney’s manservant Wodehouse found a letter in a small envelope lying by his bedside. The letter offered no indication of the sender nor did it contain any other information apart from the following message scrawled in a neat handwritten script: She Is Still Out There. Doctors have concluded that the shock of such a note lead to the heartbreak condition that took our hero’s life in the end.

This author already truly feels the loss of such a man and sincerely hopes that time does indeed heal all wounds. Following evaluation of medical evidence I believe that had Gaffney had patience and held out for her a little longer, perhaps he would still be with us today. She could have been anyone. She could have been anywhere. It is with tears in my eyes that I tell you that the Greeks did not write obituaries; they simply asked “Did he have passion?”. Andrew Gaffney had it in abundance.

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RIP SWEET PRINCE

This is fictional. Not only is Andrew Gaffney not dead; he is currently enjoying his life and all the amorphous wonders that the universe throws at him. I repeat - This is fictional.

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Author's Note: Recently I lost a bet with Mr Andrew Gaffney and the penalty was to write a post all about him. As he is currently one of my best friends in the world I believe it would have been poor form to ignore such a bet. Now admittedly I found it extremely difficult to write, not due to any flaw or fault in his character oh no. I assure you the chink in the chainmail was my own. I simply didn't know where to start or how to make it work. However following a not so chance repeat viewing of the John Cusack classic Serendipity I decided to pay tribute to Andy in a rather unusual way. 1. I would gave him a clean new blog to play around with which is the page that you see before you and 2. I killed him off. I have always found it hard to express my feelings it must be said. Lord help you if I ever consider you a friend

Ketchup Kills Youth

Ello!

If you would have asked me a couple of years ago what three things I most would not want in life the answer would have a receding hairline, a love of KFC and a bottle of Ketchup.

Now the KFC thing was the first to go, I'm not saying its like that scene in Minority Report where Tom Cruise goes jogging to the bad part of town in order to buy space drugs or what ever he was getting (most likely just normal drugs but I'm hoping they were space drugs) but it is not close off.

The two times it really hits home is right after any kind of gym visit or after a really bad nights drinking. Logic means I can tame the gym thing but in my weakened state of being hungover I can also almost hear the Zinger burger call to me 'Ohhh Andy, you know you want me, I'll follow you on twitter and watch Doctor Who with you, which is all you ever wanted in a woman' and being the weak man I am it wins. Granted I'm attempting to go cold Turkey which means I'm expecting a dead baby to walk up my wall clinging to a Zinger Box at any moment, but I'm shying away from the point I wanted to make, and that comes with the simple purchase of a bottle of Ketchup.

Ladies and gents lets paint a picture.

A tired and sweaty young Mr. Gaffney comes back to his flat after a hard day of doing an easy job which took about an hour and sipping a pint while reading Total Film while dreaming of Alexa Chung running towards him in a corn field only to come back to his flat and find the fridge as empty as a member of the Loose Women's note book on 'How not to be Annoying', so a trip to the shop was needed.

When I arrived I didn’t buy my normal Pizza, cheap water and orange juice I normally go for, I felt the need to do a bit more, little did I know that would be start of this whole new feeling. I picked myself up some bread and butter with said orange juice , which took care of the next breakfast but I had came here for Dinner so picked myself up some fish and a few oven chips , not exactly a Kitchen Nightmares make over I know but there is a point to all this.

I had everything, I was making my way to the counter but then I thought 'I normally eat spicy wedges and not chips, I better get something to jazz them up' now people who know me will know I like plain food, hella plain, so plain I would ask for plain food paste if I were an Astronaut, but today was different, I was going to buy myself some Ketchup. I made my way to the little bit in the corner of the shop and saw a massive ugly red plastic container , now seeing as I don't run a cafe in Eastenders, I didn’t get that, oh but then I seen it, a Ketchup bottle so perfect I felt like David Bowman.

It was a perfectly sized bottle of Heinz, and glass too, it was perfect.

Then it hit me, I felt grown up, this isn't some microwaveable chicken curry, this is something that real people with real problems buy, it was glass and it was Ketchup, the back bone of any kitchen sink drama.

I could already see myself down the mines, going to football games on a Saturday and dealing with lone sharks. I felt great, that the tiny childish me has gone away for a little while.

Now lets get one thing clear, I still am unrealistically chasing a career by doing an non paying job and sticking to it and have no plans to enter into too much of the real world, but for some reason this fancy glass bottle of Ketchup will always be a little image to me of 'You know what, you've made your bed now time to be a grown up in it'.

As for the receding hairline, that’s also on the way to stay...screw this getting older stuff.

Old Habits Die Hard

Ello!

There is very little point of making another post about changing my ways saying I will post more, because I probably won't but I will try. Its been awful long time since the first video, but there are two more coming, its gonna be the second best series of movies of all time just behind the Emmanuelle movies and just before Star Wars.

This whole looking for a talent thing, well in the past couple of months I did my first stand up , which went mostly well I think and started on a long road on radio, which is an awful lot of fun. Sure does beat working. However this is turning into an actual blog so let me move away from this and just say that for does who care there will be more videos coming.So what shall we talk about now?

Well meeting girls of course.

Seems to me that I'm come across a great way of , dare I say, chatting a lady up. This is by asking simply 'Whats your favorite movie?'.Now I'm not great with women. I do alright but to quote a friend 'Andy is a midfielder, not a striker or defender', if I do fancy a young lady, i struggle to think of an 'in'.

However if low confidence and social awkwardness is my Berlin Wall well then 'Whats your favorite movie?' is my David Hasselhoff.The key to 'Whats your favorite movie?' is 85% of the time people want to talk about something they love. Just last night a young lady spent a while discussing her favorite scenes from Cool runnings.

It also is a great time saver because if when asked about mine and I say "Empire fo' so' " and they reply with 'I hate star wars' I can simply go back to my pint, pretty much a first date in five seconds.Of course the end goal will always be to find one of these answers 'Empire' 'High Fidelity' 'Jurrasic Park' or 'Im too busy to watch movies, what with running the international fan club for short indie boys who attempt to be funny'.

So if I do happen to drunkenly stumble up to you in a bar and ask 'Whats your favorite movie?' and you happen to give one of these answers in my head we will be running towards each other in a corn field while this song plays in my headhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=674PtHca8Kg&feature=relatedThank youMuch love to your peeps

The Search Begins...

So day one, my wee walk around was lovely and its all captured right here for you in loving montage form, I'm too bloody good to you people. Please ignore the sound issues and the very hung over man fronting this, but hey, no one said me finding a talent would be a pretty thing.

The Could Be Talented Mr Gaffney

So this life of being work shy, where has it got me?

"Take the summer off, that will do nicely, you never know what good T.V. might be on" a not so wise person said to me, well that or I just felt like it, its hard to tell. However no one told me that soon after this the world would come to economic melt down, if I knew that I may have wrote out a C.V. or something before the day after tomorrow happened (Yeah I know in that it was weather but it was that or reference Independence Day and who wouldn't want to that happen in a real life just for a chance to punch an alien and say 'Welcome to earth!' ).

So its time to focus, does it this mean hitting jobs.ie like I'm a drunk northsider and its someone who owns a scarf? It might, but thats not my style. A wise man once said that "Everyman should have at least one talent", well I say wise it was Jude Law in a film, but still its a good point. So its time to use my talent, of course here is the tricky part. How does one figure out their talent? Is my talent not having any talent what so ever, and if so how do I harness this power of talented talentlessness into some class of power house that will have me not in underware at 10:45 am only ever putting on pants to head down to spar to buy some breadrolls.

I think the best thing to do is take it to the people and let them try to figure out what my talent is...

A New Hope

Ello, what’s shaking peeps?

So a rather beautiful thing happened tonight in my normally not worthy to blog about life. Now don't get too excited, its not like a new Londis opened or anything, that was last week but this is rather lovely.

I was strolling around my local Xtravision (the main video store chain in Ireland for any out of towners) and I was doing my normal thing of weighing up should I rent this movie again and slightly wishing I had a girl to rent the many romcoms that I not so secretly really want to watch.

At this point I seen a very small boy run in the door of said video hangout followed by his father, a very young man himself who could not have been more than a couple of years older than me. The father rather naturally joined me looking at the new releases while his son went exploring and then bang, the tsunami of adorable hit. The wee boy runs up to his father clutching a DVD shouting 'Star Wars! Star Wars' and sure enough the lad was holding a copy of Return of the Jedi. The father seemed quite shocked by this having to ask a couple of times 'You want to watch Star Wars yeah?' but did not mess around, he ran up the counter before the child had to chance to find 'Max 10' on DVD (I think that’s what the kids are into these days..).

Though what made this nearly bring a tear to my eye? For the main part it was the look on the fathers face as knew he was about to partake in what surely must be the main reason to have kids, to show them a Star Wars movie for the first time. Obviously there are other reasons such as carrying on the human race and the chance to a raise a child that uses the term 'Cunt Muscle' as a term of endearment, but showing Star Wars to your kids must rank among them. Now a vital thing to remember when first showing a Star Wars movie to your kid is that order is not important. That may seem like crazy talk and I'm sure a number of you are right now digging through your toilets to find some excrement just to throw at me, but claim down shit hands. The reason why it isn't vital to show them in order is because its all about the feeling of the Star Wars universe.

It doesn't matter if your young tiny brain first sees Han saving Luke in the Death Star Trench Run or Han saying 'I know' in Empire, all that matters is that you seen Han be the coolest guy in the entire universe.

I for example seen Empire first on a recorded BetaMax tape brought over by my older cousin and I still remember like it was yesterday, including playing out my favourite parts with Gi Joe toys right after.

So I can only hope that in five, ten or twenty years time my own child will ask 'Daddy, why do you have toys in your bedroom' and I will get a chance to say 'That’s because of Star Wars shit covered porta-potty at Electric Picnic' ..Yes I am going to go down the Posh Spice route and name the child where it was conceived, well that or Chewie.