In Memorium

Andrew Gaffney; prominent Radio, Television & Internet celebrity, celebrated comedic national treasure and award winning scriptwriter died last night from complications of romantic heartache.

The entertainment world has been shaken to the core following the news that Gaffney passed away on the eve of his induction into the Handsome Man Hall of Fame. A grieving planet looks upon New York for a glimmer of reason, of comfort or explanation. Zooey Deschanel declined to comment this morning as she left their New York apartment building, consumed by her grief.

His friends and family are understandably devastated. Eli Mordino, Pultizer Prize winning author & founding father of the David Foster Wallace Memorial Fund for Starving Writers commented, “Things were never clear for him. His death was tragic and the world will feel his absence. There. Is that enough of a fucking quote for you? Now leave me alone with my pain”.
Fionntán Wilson; celebrated forensic scientist and musician remarked “He’s dead? He’s DEAD? Well that’s just convenient isn’t it? The bastard owes me a score”. A representative of the Christina Burke Shelter for Animals gave this statement on behalf of their President; “He was so young…so...so beautiful. Knowing that he shall never again darken the threshold of the shelter to tell jokes to the puppies leaves us sad and empty. He shall be missed”.

AN ARTISTS DEPICTION

Andrew Gaffney began his illustrious career at a humble Dublin hospital radio station where, following the critic success of his coverage of the Meteor Awards and the phenomenal popularity of cult podcast Housekeepin', he rose to great heights. Becoming a firm favourite on the comedy circuit, Gaffney was given his own TV talk show at the turn of the decade where he met his lifelong friends and mentors; Ray Winstone and David Tennant who where snapped boarding their chartered plane to New York to attend the funeral of their friend. Tennant himself made a statement saying of Gaffney 'He was my inspiration. I had him tipped to be the 12th Doctor as my personal recommendation, honestly. I guess now the world will never know true perfection in television'. Gaffney left his comedy career momentarily to turn his hand to writing. Penning several Academy Award winning films such as the cult comedies What Up! and How Much For Your Daughter?, the romantic comedy Winning Suit and the emotional semi-autobiographical Millionaire Playboy that resulted in John Cusack picking up a gong for his turn as the writer slash comedian; Gaffney soaked up his success between his New York apartment and his LA beach house.

Never shy with those of the opposite sex and a regular VIP guest at the Playboy Mansion, Gaffney sailed through life leaving a trail of broken hearts in his wake. Most notably his famed relationship with singer Pixie Lott generated the most headlines. Lott reflected on their ill fated romance citing an inability to keep up with Gaffney as the reason for their separation. “He was too much…you know…sexually. I never got over him” Lott noted “He was too much of a man for me and now…now he is too much man for the angels”. Karen Gillan was photographed making a generous donation to various charitable organizations in tribute to her ex-lover this morning. It is understood that she has been in talks to create a memorial garden and titty bar for the deceased. Their relationship was the inspiration behind Rouge, Actually starring James McAvoy which was recently voted the Best Rom Com Ever by Empire magazine.

Unbeknownst to Gaffney’s family and friends; their loved one was wrapped in a life long pursuit that culminated on the evening he met his future bride at an Oscar gala. Dazzling Miss Deschanel with his charm and wit, their romance blossomed into a love affair that would rival the greats. However, prior to meeting Zooey; friends often commented on Gaffney’s passionate and endless pursuit of what some may refer to as The One.

Throughout his lifetime, Gaffney sought that one, single, perfect person that embodied everything he ever wanted in a partner but alas, he did not find her. Gaffney began to wonder if his soul mate was merely a figment of his idealistic imagination, a trick of the mind, a lie told to small children to fool them into thinking that there is only one person put on this earth destined for us. On the evening he met Miss Deschanel, friends remarked that he simply settled believing that since she was pretty, charming and essentially couldn't keep her hands off him; she would be a satisfactory companion until the real deal appeared in his life...the real deal that never appeared.

On the evening of his death, Gaffney’s manservant Wodehouse found a letter in a small envelope lying by his bedside. The letter offered no indication of the sender nor did it contain any other information apart from the following message scrawled in a neat handwritten script: She Is Still Out There. Doctors have concluded that the shock of such a note lead to the heartbreak condition that took our hero’s life in the end.

This author already truly feels the loss of such a man and sincerely hopes that time does indeed heal all wounds. Following evaluation of medical evidence I believe that had Gaffney had patience and held out for her a little longer, perhaps he would still be with us today. She could have been anyone. She could have been anywhere. It is with tears in my eyes that I tell you that the Greeks did not write obituaries; they simply asked “Did he have passion?”. Andrew Gaffney had it in abundance.

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RIP SWEET PRINCE

This is fictional. Not only is Andrew Gaffney not dead; he is currently enjoying his life and all the amorphous wonders that the universe throws at him. I repeat - This is fictional.

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Author's Note: Recently I lost a bet with Mr Andrew Gaffney and the penalty was to write a post all about him. As he is currently one of my best friends in the world I believe it would have been poor form to ignore such a bet. Now admittedly I found it extremely difficult to write, not due to any flaw or fault in his character oh no. I assure you the chink in the chainmail was my own. I simply didn't know where to start or how to make it work. However following a not so chance repeat viewing of the John Cusack classic Serendipity I decided to pay tribute to Andy in a rather unusual way. 1. I would gave him a clean new blog to play around with which is the page that you see before you and 2. I killed him off. I have always found it hard to express my feelings it must be said. Lord help you if I ever consider you a friend